Transformers needs change

     We know our local review probably won’t make a bit of difference to the fate of Transformers: The Last Knight, but some things need to be said. If we can take one message from this dreadful movie, it is that, sometimes, individuals need to stand up to behemoths like the Hollywood movie industry preying upon our children.   
     No matter how bad it is, Transformers will likely make lots of money. It’s a Transformers movie released in the summer. That’s how it’s made enough money to hire actors like Anthony Hopkins to appear in this dreadful sequel.
     What concerns us--aside from the usual Hollywood sexism, ageism, and profiteering on inferior products—is that this film is being marketed aggressively to children through the Nickelodeon children’s television network. Two popular stars from the Nickelodeon series 100 Things to Do Before High School and Game Shakers have been cast in the film and trailers of their scenes play repeatedly on the network.
     However, much of the content in this Comes-to-Close-to-R PG-13-rated movie is not suitable for children. The language is littered with hard profanity. (After all, it does star Mark Wahlberg.) And, of course, there’s lots of violence and stuff blowing up.
     We’re concerned enough about this one that we’ve pulled Transformers advertising from the site. We don’t think it’s a family film and we disagree with its aggressive marketing to children. What you do once you get to Fandango is your business, but we don’t have to give you a direct link to this horror of a film.
     Another reason we’re concerned about the amount of profanity in this movie is, if you were to cut the profanity alone from the script, it would probably shave at least 20 minutes off the length of the movie. This movie desperately needs editing, if only to make it shorter. At 2 ½ hours, with little to no plot, it is too long.
     Transformers seems more like the product of a checklist than a script. It’s as if there were a list of actors, locations, and products that needed to be mashed into a movie no matter how long or ridiculous it seemed. Virtually every tired movie theme, subplot, and stereotype is mashed into this horrific mess.
     The world is in trouble, again, so much trouble that it needs both Mark Wahlberg and Josh Duhamel to save it. But Mark is a single dad whose daughter is off to college, so, in addition to saving the world, he needs to find a love interest. (I’m not kidding. This is actually what there is of a plot.) And, because you can’t get your kids to come home from college even if the world is ending, he finds a replacement daughter who also happens to fix transformers.
     Thrown on top of all this is a secret world history where Transformers fought epic battles with the help of Merlin the Magician. By the second hour of this monstrosity, you’ll be hoping that those who are out to destroy the planet might actually succeed just so we can be put out of the misery of this movie. But, eventually, the predictable ending is reached—although it takes way too long to get there.